Phil's Journal Entry 11/3/08

I woke a touch late today so after meditation I had to jet the pad. I totally forgot my book so not to miss out on the process I yam hereby writing. I am by no means an OD political or religious person but Samaria Graham came up with this really great Idea about doing a fast and a prayer thing for Obama, his safety and stuff. So I showed up here at work was going to buy breakfast but left my money in my bookbag upstairs. So I went back upstairs and instead of getting the money to eat, remembered my promise to skip one meal and pray. So I hit the bathroom and hit my knees. I felt much better. Also big shout outs to Rachel Trachtenburg who will be at City Hall today so I’m putting positive energy towards her and her family who have been steadfast staples of my increasing network of positive people who help inspire me and keep me sane throughout this tumultuous period in my life.

Mami Luz aka my Grand Aunt Illuminada is being buried in a big military cemetery today with her husband Papi Joe who was a veteran. She was ninety-four years old. No drinking or drugs. Belief in God and love of her family. Outspoken and active. This is was the road she tread. Truly inspirational. I remember spending time with her in the hospital when you can tell things were serious. I was really there. When my mom was dying I was a mess on many levels. I was sad and upset because I was too greedy to understand that my sadness was all about me and what I wanted. I wanted my mom to stay alive and take care of me, give me security. I have since learned life isn’t about what I want and can get from others. It is about how can I best serve others. In helping others I help myself. I’ve been really working hard to do this especially this past year and I find this practice to be quite spectacular. I’m happier than I have ever been. This is a stark contrast to how miserable I was for a good chunk of my life. I think this mental shift started when I visited my Grandfather, Papa Roro in the hospital. He was a long time meditation practitioner. He was very wise. Through my cousin Ralph who translated he imparted the knowledge he had acquired during his life. Seek a simplified spiritual life.

I don’t know how long I have on this plane of existence and the truth is I can’t take anything with me so how much happiness can I get from all my obsessive creature comforts? How secure can I be really? Personally I feel if I am standing in the past I live in a morass of regret and shame reliving sections of my life desperately wishing I had made different decisions. Eventually I become so filled with disgust I self-destruct. On the flip side of the coin, If I am standing in the future I live in an anxiety-ridden universe of fear where I replay these fantasies of how things should turn out and how I could troubleshoot the situation if certain situations arise. There are so many tangents and alternate realities to keep thinking about my brain overloads and I self-destruct. Focusing on bouncing between these two extremes I failed to realize there was a third option that doesn’t end in me self-destructing. All I’ve got to do is be here now. I can simply exist and handle business, love others and love myself.

LOL! I look at my self now and say this is SO not me. Ah but it is! It is not the angry, jealous, hateful, spiteful, lustful, mendacious me of the past. Not that I don’t have my moments. I’m no monk by any means. I still freak out from time to time but now I just get quiet, don’t front then take action. Note to myself: I have to clean my room but no biggie. I’ll do laundry tonight but I won’t stress that till then.