Sunday, August 17, 2008
I Don't Know A Thing About Love
Photo: Reflection of myself in my Mothers headstone
What a difference a year makes. Today I went to visit my Mother's grave. Last time I visited her I was a hot mess. This time around a combo of therapy, spirituality, Tai Chi and meditation has really led me to a better existance. So although I was still sad and missed her, I wasn't a basket case crying more out of self pity than actual sorrow. There has been a shift in my attitude. I really like myself better. Every day I try to remind myself put the focus on others and away from me. By being constantly mindfull of others I can better "do the right thing". Today I had a real example that I have begun to grow up. When I returned from the graveyard I was sitting at a bus stop and I saw an old ex-girlfreind of mine walk by. My initial instinct was to jump up and say "Hi!" But a lightning fast diagnostic evaluation of the situation reminded me during the span of our relationship I'd done this girl so wrong on so many levels. Saying "Hi!" Forcing an unwelcome, awkward confrontation would be a totally self serving, egotistical move on my part. Once that initial thought passed, I thought what would be best for her? So I prayed for her. I wished her health, happiness, love and a knowledge of self. Making this decision filled me with satisfaction and peace. As Major Garland Briggs said in Twin Peaks: "A job well done is it's own reward." True that. When I got home I picked up a book this ex in question gave me and she inscribed on the title page part of a poem that said "I Don't Know A Thing About Love" Perhaps I'm finally learning a thing about that. If I can paraphrase Depeche Mode for a sec here: If I surrender heart and soul, Sacrifice to a higher goal I'll be moved by a higher love.